Updated April 4, 2011
Funnies

Mr. Jones: "Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem today?"
 
Student: "I don't know and I don't care."


What has 36 eyes, 24 teeth, and really bad breath?
 
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.


If Alexander Graham Bell had a daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.


A member of the Democratic party, recently deceased, approached the Pearly Gates. After exchanging pleasantries with Peter, he asked Peter what all those clocks in the room were for. Peter said there was one clock for each human being living on earth, and they represented the amount of time each person had left to live on earth.
     The deceased noticed that some clocks ran faster than others, and asked Peter why some clock hands were moving faster than others. Peter replied that when someone tells a lie, the hands will move faster thus shortening the lifespan of that particular liar.
     The deceased wondered where Bill Clinton's clock was located. Peter said, "Oh that one? I keep it in the back room, and use it as a ceiling fan."


A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead." The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
     "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345?" the lady exclaims. "Yes," the vet replies. "$45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."


A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "Green side up!"
     The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down, "Green side up!" The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window, "Green side up!"
     When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled, "Green side up!" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied, "I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."


Crossbred Dogs:


Three men, a Texan, a Russian and a guy from New Jersey find themselves seated at the same table in a restaurant in London, at the time of the Mad Cow disease scare. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of beef so you can't order steak."
  The Texan asks, "What is a shortage?"
       The Russian asks, "What is a steak?"
          The guy from New Jersey asks, "What is excuse me?"


What's the difference between the Pope and your Boss?
 
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


Did you hear about the blonde who locked her keys in the car and it took her an hour to get her family out?


Did you hear about the blonde who was stuck on the escalator for two hours when the power went off?


A blond secretary was getting to the end of her rope from hearing all the "dumb blonde" jokes at work, so she decided to draw the line. "If I hear one more dumb blonde joke from any of you," she told her co-workers, "I am going to quit and report you all for harassment!" Shortly thereafter, at the watercooler during breaktime, sure enough, here come the dumb blonde jokes. Furious, she went into her boss' office and resigned.
     While driving home on the highway, she happened to look out her window and saw a blonde lady sitting in a rowboat out in the middle of a wheat field, just rowing her heart out. Incensed, the blonde ex-secretary screeched her car to a halt, bounded out of the seat and ran over to the fence. Shouting at the blonde in the rowboat, she said, "You idiot! What are you doing?! Don't you know you are one of the reasons all the rest of us have to put up with 'dumb blonde jokes?' Why, if I could swim, I'd come out there and let you have it!"


A blonde decided she was tired of being the butt of so many jokes, so she cut her hair short and dyed it dark. She was driving in the country one day and saw a shepherd tending a large flock of sheep. The blonde stopped her car and decided to show how smart she could be. She asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have a sheep?" The shepherd agreed, so the woman stared out at the sheep and then said, "648 sheep." The shepherd said, "Wow! You're right. Take a sheep!"
     So the woman picks one up and puts it in her car. Before she can get in and drive away, the shepherd says, "Can I ask you a question?" The woman agreed. So the shepherd asks, "If I can guess your original hair color, will you give me back my dog?"


Al --  A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out.
     One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climbed aboard. Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. Finally the parrot squawks, "Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"


The monastery out in Essex was having a bit of a hard time with its cash flow, because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work of the group.
     Brother Andrew and Brother Patrick suggested opening up a Fish & Chips stand down on the motorway, right next to the scenic vista area so popular with tourists. The venture was going well and one day a tourist asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?" "No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."


A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
     Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2:00 PM. They gathered at 2:00 PM and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
     The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
     The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.


Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks. The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."
     "It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second. "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!," he answers.


Five reasons computers must be female:

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


A man decided to become a monk, so he signed up with a monastery that took its vows of silence seriously. The head monk told him he could not speak a single word for 10 years. However, after 10 years, he would be permitted to speak two (and only two) words.
     After 10 years, the head monk called him in and said, "You are now permitted to speak your two words, so choose them carefully and speak what's on your mind. But remember: only two words."The monk said, "Food bad!"
     The head monk reminded him he could not speak another word until his next ten years was reached. In his 20th year, the head monk summoned him and told him it was time for his two words, so he should choose them carefully. The monk said, "Bed hard!"
     The head monk again reminded him of his vows to remain absolutely silent for the next 10 years. At the end of those 10 years, he was again sent for and given the opportunity to speak his two words. The monk said, "I QUIT!"
     The head monk looked up and said, "It's no wonder. All you've done for the past 30 years is complain!"


A cannibal got an awful stomach ache so went to see the witch doctor. "What have you been eating?" asked the witch doctor. "Just a missonary yesterday," replied the cannibal. "Describe this missonary," says the witch doctor.
     "Well, he wore a long brown robe, sandals, and had a belt like rope around his middle with a cross on it." How did you cook him?" asked the witch doctor. "The usual way - just threw him in the pot and boiled him."
     "Ah-hah! You boiled him. That's the problem. He was a friar!"


A man in Africa was out taking a walk in the jungle. He found a secluded spot, sat down, and began reading a book. Soon, however, he had a feeling that he was being watched. He looked to his right and there was a lion. He froze. Then he looked to his left; you guessed it, lions were on both sides. Suddenly, the lions jumped the man and ate him.

Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.


I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on my iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I've found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

  1. The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work
  2. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work
  3. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work
  4. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work
  5. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good. I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
     "Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.


Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?

The nation


Points to ponder:


Oxymorons:


A head rolls into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of something good. The bartender gives him a shot, and the head drinks it. To his surprise, a torso pops out from the head. "Wow!" said the head, now with a torso, "I'll have another." He drinks his second shot and out pops two arms. "Another!" cries the head. He takes his third shot and out pops two legs. Now the head was a whole man! "ANOTHER!" roared the man. "Are you sure?" asked the bartender. "ANOTHER, I SAY!" demanded the man. He took his shot and POOF he was gone.
     "He really should have quit while he was a head." said the bartender.


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a checkup. After the exam, the doctor pulled the woman aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:"

  1. "Each morning, fix him a big, healthy breakfast with whatever he wants. Don't talk to him while he reads the newspaper, and send him off to work with a kiss on the cheek."
  2. "When he comes home from lunch, fix him a warm, nutritious meal, and send him back to work in a good frame of mind."
  3. "At dinner, fix him hot healthy meals, and don't burden him with household concerns or what troubled you during the day."
  4. "Have sex with him several nights per week. Be a tender, generous, agreeable lover, pretend you are on another honeymoon, and submit to his every whim."
When they were going home, the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
     "You're going to die," his wife replied.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
     Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


A farmer became very prosperous and decided to hire an accountant. Since the farmer didn't want the IRS or his neighbors to find out exactly how much money he had, he hired an accountant who could not speak or hear.
     Everything went quite well until one day when the farmer discovered that $50,000 in cash was missing and unaccounted for. The farmer approaches the accountant and starts to ask him where the money is only to remember that the accountant can't hear him. So, the farmer calls a friend who knows sign language and asks him to come over and ask the accountant where the money is.
     The farmer says to his friend, "Please ask the accountant where the money is." The friend signs, "Where is the farmer's $50,000?" The accountant signs back, "I don't know." The friend interprets to the news to the farmer.
     So this gets repeated a couple more times, with the friend signing to the accountant and the accountant replying that he doesn't know where the money is. Finally the old farmer takes out his shotgun and lays it on the table. Then he says to the friend, "Ask him again where the money is."
     The friend signs the farmer's question to the accountant, and this time the accountant, visibly nervous, signs back, "The money is in a tin can buried in my back yard next to the old apple tree." And the friend, speaking to the farmer, says, "He still doesn't know."


What do you call a dead blond in a closet?

The 1984 Hide-and-Seek Champion


An expensive lawyer, a cheap lawyer and the Easter Bunny are in an elevator. The elevator goes up and stops on the 15th floor. Which of the three get off the elevator?

The expensive lawyer. The other two are figments of your imagination!


I hear that the tax department has a new form. Only two lines.


Donna --A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
     The man thought for awhile and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
     The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
     The man thought a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women; what makes them laugh and cry, why they are temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with; basically, just what makes them tick."
     The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"


What do people sing in bathtubs?

Soap operas!


As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
     While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
     The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
     The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."


A train conductor goes berserk, and starts shooting all his passengers. He is tried and found guilty, and sentenced to die in the electric chair. After exhausting all his appeals he is finally led to the execution chamber and strapped in.
     The power switch is thrown, but nothing happens to the conductor except a slight twitch. More power is applied and the switch is thrown again. The lights in the prison dim, but the prisoner just grins. Finally all available is applied, the switch is thrown, the light throughout the town goes down, but the prisoner is still unharmed. They realize that is would be cruel to try again so they start unstrapping the prisoner.
     "I don't understand why we can't electrocute you." said the warden. The prisoner replied, "I guess it's because I'm a bad conductor!"


Jack -- In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
     The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive,..."


Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum it could be done


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Mr. Scott:
'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Bob Dylan:
How many roads must one chicken cross?
Basil Fawlty:
Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.
James Tiberius Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
     The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black-haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
     The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.


How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.


Why does it take four women with PMS to change a light bulb?

It just DOES, OK?


An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
     When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
     "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
     "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "Ok, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
     "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
     With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
     Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"


Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
     He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
     So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
     Terrified, the friars did so - thereby proving that,... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an accident."
     A girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a great loss."
     The room is silent. None of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says, "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
     "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."


I'm lost.
I've gone to look for myself.
If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.


Milo -- Computers!


Bill -- George walked into the bedroom and noticed his wife Mary massaging her breasts with wax paper. George: "Why are you doing that?"
Mary: "It's supposed to make my breasts larger."
George: "Why don't you use toilet paper?"
Mary: "Toilet paper? Why would I use toilet paper?"
George: "Well,..., look what it's done for your butt."


Once upon a time, a pregnant woman whose husband was away on a business trip went into labor. She called her incredibly stupid brother to assist her since her husband was out of town. The brother got her to the hospital, and as she was being taken to delivery she grasped his arm and said, "If anything happens to me, I want you to name my child." He promised he would, and she then disappeared into the O.R. where she experienced an extremely difficult delivery which rendered her unconscious for several days.
     When she came to, she saw her stupid brother sitting beside her bed. She groggily asked, "What happened?" He beamed proudly and said, "It was touch and go for a while and we almost lost you, but everything is dandy and you had twins, a boy and a girl, exactly one week ago."
     "A boy and a girl! My heavens! But I've been out an entire week. So did you name them for me?" she asked, warily.
     "Yep I did, and you're gonna like that part too!" "Really? So what did you name my daughter?" he answered, "Denise." "Denise,..., Denise! What a lovely name! And my son?"
     "Denephew."


How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.


A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
     She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
     Replied the Kuwaiti woman, "Land mines."


A young executive was leaving the office at 6:00 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
     "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
     "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


What do you call a line of rabbits, hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.


A brunette goes into a doctor's office:

Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.
Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere.
Doctor: (after looking at her for a second): Did you used to be a blonde?
Brunette: Why yes!
Doctor: Your finger's broken.


A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
     The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right." she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


The husband was trying to downplay the pain involved in childbirth. The woman asked her doctor if she could describe it to him. "Sure." the doctor replied, "Mr. Johnson, grab hold of your lower lip."
     When he did, she said, "Now pull it over your head."


Milo -- Did you hear about the fellow who had trouble sleeping because elephants got under his bed every night? They stomped and trumpeted and he was all worn out from lack of sleep. So he decided to see a psychiatrist who worked with him over a long period of time but nothing changed. The psychiatrist suggested he see another doctor who might have more expertise in this field. A few weeks later he met the man, who now looked relaxed and rested, so he asked who had helped him. He was told it was his brother-in-law, which surprised the psychiatrist.
     "I didn't know your brother-in-law was a psychiatrist!" said the shrink. The man replied, "Oh, no, he's not a psychiatrist. He's a carpenter. He told me to cut the legs off of my bed, and now they can't get under there anymore."


Donna -- The pope dies, and goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the many recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
     After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
     The angels come running in only to find the pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An R! The scribes left out an R!"
     A particularly concerned angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the pope sobs again, "It's the letter R. They left out the R. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"


Joyce -- Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases, the responses given by witnesses:


Doug -- Imagine Rodney Dangerfield talking,...


Sureela -- The Innocence of Being 90

I walked into my patient's room the other day to find her sitting quietly in bed. She was picking her nose and humming to herself. "Good morning Mrs. Dunn," I said.
     Smiling, she replied, "Good Morning, nurse. Would you like to join me?"


Richard -- One morning, as an older couple sat at their table over coffee, the husband turned to his wife and said he was going to apply for Social Security. His wife said, "Oh dear, I don't think that is a good idea. You know we lost everything in the fire. You don't have the proper forms of identification or anything."
     He said, "Just don't you worry about it, I'm going anyway." Off he went and was back in an hour with a check in hand. His wife was amazed and asked him how he did it. He said, "No problem, I just ripped open the front of my shirt and said look at all this white hair."
     His wife replied, "Oh dear, you should have dropped your drawers and gone for total disability!"


Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium; he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
     About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat, 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
     The man said, "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
     The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't seen together since we got married in 1967."
     "That's really sad," says Bob, "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
     "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."


Sue -- What do you call the back door to a cafeteria?

Bacteria


Al -- Signs!


Joyce --


Al -- A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for and your answer can never take that away but I must know. Did he have a different father?"
     The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment and then she says, "Yes, yes he did." The old man is shaken. The reality of what his wife is saying hits him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
     Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tries to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth. Then, finally, she says, "You."


Al -- Texas Wisdom


Maya -- Three women were about to be executed; One was a brunette, one a readhead and the other a blonde. They bring up the brunette and the guard asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the guard shouts, Ready, Aim,... and suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone looks behind them and she runs off.
     So they bring up the redhead and ask if she has any last requests. She says no, so the guard shouts, Ready, Aim,... and suddenly she yells, "TORNADO!" and everybody turns around to look and she runs off.
     Well, by then, the blonde had it figured out. So they bring her up and she is asked if she has any last requests. She says no, so the guard turns and yells, Ready, Aim,... and the blonde yells, "FIRE!"


Al -- When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend, they talk about football and basketball. When middle management get together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf.
     Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.


Al --


Jack -- Deep Thoughts

  1. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick
  2. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money
  3. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad
  4. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it
  5. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching
  6. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff

Maya -- A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded preserve when he comes across an unkempt man sitting at a make-shift campfire and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle. He arrests the man. He was soon brought to trial for his crime.
     The Judge asked the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" "Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." The judge answers, "You may proceed."
     "I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything to eat for 2 weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake, grabbing some fish. I thought if I startled the Eagle, I could maybe steal his fish." Lo and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish so I threw a stone at him, hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened but figured that since I killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it just rot on the ground."
     The judge took a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by and the judge returns. "Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court dismisses the charges. Case dismissed." The judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
     "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe, it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."


Suzanne -- I ran into a friend of mine at the convention today. She said, "I'm so excited because today I got married and tonight I'm going on my honeymoon and it will be my first time." "First time?" I said. "I thought you were married 3 times before."
     She said, "I was but my first husband was impotent, my second husband told me on our honeymoon that he preferred men, and my third husband was a clinical researcher in Congestive Heart Failure and all I got was promises, promises, promises!"


Karen -- What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons


Gus R -- A short history of medicine: "I have an earache,..."

  1. 2000 BC - Here, eat this root
  2. 1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer
  3. 1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion
  4. 1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill
  5. 1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic
  6. 2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root

Gus R -- What does HMO stand for?
     This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.


Al -- Points to ponder:


Al -- A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.
     "$20 for 3 minutes," the pilot replied. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."
     The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
     "Thanks," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."


Willis Williams --


Willis Williams --


David Stone -- Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from each another. Now Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed surrounded by all his friends. He calls out, "O'Brian, come here O'Brian. I have a request for ya." O'Brian walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.
     "O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives and now I'm dyin'. I have one last request for ya." O'Brian bursts into tears and says, "Anything Murphy, anything ya wish. It's done."
     "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland, bottled the year I was born. When I die and they lay me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
     O'Brian was overcome by the true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, Murphy, 'tis a fine thing you ask of me," he gasped between his tears, "but might I strain it through me kidneys first?"


One night, President Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help this country?"
     "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help this country?" Clinton asked
     "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help this country?" Clinton asked.
     "Go to the theater." says Abe.


Robin -


Jeff -- A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride. Further down the road, the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road, and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him.
     Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer." So at the last second, he swerved the truck to miss him. Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver heard a thump outside the truck.
     He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road. Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said, "I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss that lawyer."
     The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."


Jeff -- The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: 2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
     "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
     The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
     Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
     She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


David Stone -- Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a life boat on the open sea. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came out. This genie however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Make the whole bloody ocean into Victoria Bitter!" The genie clapped his hands with a huge crash and immediately the entire sea turned into the "hard earned thirst quencher."
     The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo, whose wish had been granted.
     After a long, tension-filled moment, Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're gonna to have to pee in the boat!"


Jon P -- Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the 3 Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the 3 Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are you 3 guys going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Americans. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Canadians.
     They all board the train. The Americans take their seats but all the Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door. Shortly the train starts and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a hand emerges with a ticket. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Americans see this and agree that it's a clever idea so after the game the Americans decide to try the Canadians' trick.
     When they get to the station, they buy just one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy any tickets at all! "How are you going to travel without any tickets at all?" asks one of the Americans. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Canadians.
     When they board the train, the 3 Americans cram into one bathroom and the 3 Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves their bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket please!"


Tiffany -- What do you call a fly with no wings?
 
A walk


Tom W -- On Dogs:


A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
     The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy. The copilot goes back to explain that because she only paid for Economy the blonde will have to return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
     The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this crazy blonde woman. The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
     The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."


Douglas G -- A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
     The frog says "30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, and that his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is okay because he knows the bank president.
     Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
     The frog says, "Sure, I have this" and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the bank president and disappears into a back office.
     She finds the president and says, "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny, pink elephant. I mean, what is this?"
     The bank president looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


Douglas G -- Why We Love Children:

Chelsie -- A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned, asks what's the matter. The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." Her boss said, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day?"
     The blonde explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." Her boss says okay and the blonde stays at work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
     A few hours later, her boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
     The blonde replies, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that her mom died too!"


Chelsie -- A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. One day they are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant 3 wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish and is returned to her family.
     The redhead says, "I've been stuck here for years too. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish and is returned to her family.
     The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."


Chelsie -- How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
It has a stamp on it.


Chelsie -- Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.


Chelsie -- A blonde finds herself in serious financial trouble. She decides to ask God for help. She prays, "Please help me. If I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house and my car. Please let me win the lotto."
     Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Again she prays, "Please let me win the lotto! I'm about to lose everything I own!" Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
     Once again she prays, "Please! I've lost my house and my car. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
     Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde hears the voice of God Himself. "Sweetheart, work with Me on this - buy a ticket."


Chelsie -- A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


Jenn -- Ace-inhibitors are contraindicated for all Poker Players.


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